For the first time in three months I feel that I am not moving at 200 m.p.h. anymore. It has been really nice to be based home rather than in a hotel room and take the time to log all the great footage we produced over the last year for the final edits of the new film in February. I have been logging but I have been living too. Enjoying the simple things like sitting in my hot tub in the morning looking out on a frosty lawn, cooking nice soups and roasts from scratch and crafting some scrap books as creative Christmas presents.
I love Christmas, a time of year when everything slows down. Hibernating even if it is just for a few days, spending time with my boyfriend without an endless steam of emails and calls coming in and looking ahead to the new year. Full of hope and joy.
I can’t wait for the new film to come out in February – the results of many months of hard work. Of course I hope that the film will be a success and I might be able to produce another film in the new year. But as this has been such a hard and in many ways sad year with and some friends facing serious illnesses, and two people close to me dying, what I want more than anything is that in 2008 all of my family and friends will be healthy and well. And I wish that for you too. Health and happiness, sensual magic and joy far greater than you can imagine !
Thank you for supporting me and us. It is really appreciated.
There is a very cool guy who I admire: Mat Fraser, an actor and presenter and the compere of the annual “Night of The Senses”. He is bright and funny and sexy and promotes tirelessly equal (sexual) rights for people with disabilities that he calls provocatively “cripples”. Mat’s physical development has been affected by Thalidomide. Hats off to Mat for portraying disabled people not as victims or charity cases but people with (sexual) needs and desires as anybody else. The adult industry can unfortunately be ageist, racist and discriminating disabled people.
Mat makes sure his voice is heard in the UK erotic and fetish scene as well as in the mainstream media. He co-hosts the BBC website and podcast for disabled people, called “Ouch!”.
He has recorded a song for “cripples at Christmas” which is available as a free download. The lyrics are sharp and witty:
“But think of the normal ones
For they live amongst us, yeah.
Let’s give them our charity at this time
Mustn’t stare, show we care …”
Matt needs downloads to prove his point that this should not be anymore a taboo subject and his recordings should be played on radio. This is where you can download it:
More info on Mat: http://www.matfraser.co.uk
My boyfriend always insists to read the manual before you use a new electrical appliance. I am way too impatient to do that. I learn gadgets by trial and error. My approach might take longer but is not as boring as working your way through instructions that were clumsily translated from Japanese.
A few nights ago I had a play date with myself. I love to do these. Test drive some new toys in the privacy of my sumptuous red boudoir. I played with the small pink “Little Dolly” from Fun Factory. I bought it originally because I though it was the perfect travelling vibrator. Lightweight, silent and with its own striped aluminium case. I played with the speed dial bumping the speed up, up a little more until it felt MMMM really good. Then I pushed one more time and for a slip second it seemed to have stopped and I was gutted assuming the battery had run out just at this decisive moment. But then it started again: pulsing. On. Off. On. Off. And at first I was not sure if I liked it but then it gave me one of my best toygasms ever.
If I had read the manual I would have found out about this function ages ago but then again I love surprises.
Last night I went to a party for the first time in I don’t know how many months. A real house party, not a trade show event. Somewhere to let my hair down without networking like crazy, signing DVDs with one hand and handing out casting flyers with the other. I love the whirlwind of the last few months Barcelona, Berlin, London – meeting hundreds of interesting people and establishing my films in the adult industry as an unusual but permanent fixture.
Last night was different. The theme was “exotic erotic”. My fiend Dominique surely knows how to throw a party.
Coming into the main door you had to navigate through satin veils and the stepped into a red lit hall where you were welcomed with a hand made truffle.
Dom’s lounge was just lit with candles and load of cushions covered the floor. Once I sat down and got comfortable, I didn’t want to move anymore. I started chatting to lots of people about where we are at in our lives right now and how much we all crave the sun and freedom of travelling – stripped bare of all the pressures of being self employed. Time to just breathe and be. Time to really get to know other people and yourself. I miss travelling. But being at this part was like a mini trip to a Thai beach. I could just a bout imagine the orange moon rise and the black sea gently lapping underneath our feet.
It felt so good to just sit down and not rush around like a crazy woman and multi task but just being there with the feeling of happiness and pride of all the times my team and me managed to create in the last year.
I bumped into Suzanne Portnoy who has written “the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker” about her sexual adventures as a single highly sexed and adventurous woman living in London. Soon we forgot that we were not that that kind of party and chatted for hours about our favourite topic: sex. Which toys we like and why, what pushes our sensual buttons and what turns us off. The people around us catching tiny snippets of our conversations were taken aback: the guys jaws dropped and the girls shared in with giggles and saucy details of what makes them tick.
Even though I was really tired by 1.30 am I had a dance to some pumping house classics and it felt great to just move to the music. Don’t think. Just dance. And smile.
Our last day in Berlin was jam packed – I was hoping to go to the sauna and take in some touristy sights of Berlin but there was no time. Violetta, Mia and I were interviewed for RTL-Plus where a feature on porn for women will be shown in the programme EXTRA on the 5th November. Whilst we were being filmed having a walk in the park Violetta and I decided spontaneously to do a quickie photo shoot. It was a golden autumn day and the falling leaves were the best outfit for Violetta. She took her kit off and danced in the leaves, and in only ten minutes we managed to get some amazing shots. The TV crew were more baffled than the park walkers! I don’t know why nudity is still such a big issue. Nudity in nature just feels natural and right. Being free and real barefoot on the ground the body being warmed from the sun… I love documenting magic moments like this.
I just got back from Erotica in London – the UK’s busiest and biggest adult life style show. It has been an amazing experience and I am so glad that I was invited to take part giving my seminars “How to shoot your lover! Erotic film making for couples”.
From the opening on Friday at noon until closing time Sunday at 8 pm the show was buzzing with people and a really happy, playful, sensual vibe. An unbelievable 100.000 people came through the doors of Olympia in three days. There were at least as many women as men visiting the show and loads of couples browsing. Somehow our tiny velvet clad booth became a magnet attracting literally thousands of people to stop by and chat about my concept of art-core porn.
It was such a pleasure and buzz to meet so many women and men who are hungry for erotic delicatessen such as my first film “Sexual Sushi”. Most of the people who came to chat with us never liked or had enough of mainstream porn and were looking for something more creative, arty and sensual. Having only dealt with wholesale buyers in the past I am used to be told that my films are only for a insignificant niche market, difficult to promote and hard to sell. Erotica told a different story: the buyers wanted the films and they were chuffed to meet me and two of my most amazing performers who have worked with me from the start: Emilia Ren and Violetta Storm. I have never done so many signatures in my life like in the past three days: Emilia, Violetta and me seemed to constantly sign one of our DVD’s and it was an honour to do this for so many nice people.
I have said for quiet some time now that the future of the adult industry will be to celebrate a return to sensuality, rather than just promoting hard and fast sex; to create erotic films that are upmarket artistic and creative rather than just showing assembly line fucking. The future buyers for adult products are liberated women and couples who had not enough choices of sensual toys and films in the past.
The women and couples who are ready to enjoy a new kind of porn are not a niche market – they are a force to be reckoned with and tired of being patronised by an male dominated industry that refuses to change and grow.
One afternoon we had an interesting visitor at our booth. A large lady wearing a bight pink T-shirt with the slogan “Jesus loves porn stars” – Violetta though it was a joke, but it wasn’t. They were there to save the fallen girls who got into the porn industry and to rescue victims of porn addiction. The Jesus lady left soon enough when she realised her stereotypes of women being victims in the adult industry and all porn producers exploiting human beings did not fit our mission: we empower women who choose to be and see our films, have not made a profit with our films and generally encourage people not to just copy what they see in porn but to make their own and have sex in their unique individual ways. But she would not leave without firmly pressing a bible into Violetta’s hand. She could not believe her eyes and nor could I when I went onto the company’s website where they sell “online recovery courses” for porn victims at $180 a go.
Violetta decided (no surprises here) not to spend her hard earned cash on the recovery course but on three brand new pairs of high heeled shoes. She loved them so much that she broke them in at night when we were lying on our hotel beds trying to relax after 12 buzzing hours on the show. I invested into three new masks for my dressing up box and treated myself to an amazing black corset that is encrusted with crystals, created by the designer who did create the outfits for Moulin Rouge.
I am very happy right now. It has been a great few days that were worth all the time and energy we whole heartedly put into it.
After a long year of hard work with no (financial) profit so far, this was just what I needed – the feedback of the people who want sensual porn that they can enjoy together without being alienated by fakeness and extreme sexual stunts. The future of porn is in sensuality, art and creativeness. We are the future ! I would like this opportunity to thank everyone who came to my workshops and the booth to encourage me to keep up what I am doing ! Thank you for chatting to us, sharing your erotic ideas, come to be cast for a shoot and supporting us buy buying our films. Thank you to the Erotica organisers to put on such an amazing events with many new attractions such as the sumptuous VIP lounge, sexy men in hot tubs and a huge variety of seminars that enable people to explore their sexuality even further.
Yesterday I had the pleasure to do a privately commissioned photo shoot with a couple that have found me through watching “Female Fantasies”. They love the movie and it continues to inspire their love life. I was glad to hear that the film especially turns her on – we aim to please! She very much liked Marc Cuirass in fishnet tights and a mini skirt – I agree hunky guys can look hot when they cross dress. I love capturing a couple’s chemistry and got carried away shooting for hours to get many shots that they could never achieve using a self timer. It was so much fun to create many different looks together and make some of their fantasies come true. The husband J. whose birthday it was ended up dressed up in heels, stockings and a bowtie. These pictures are for their eyes only but they kindly agreed for me to show her gorgeous laced up bottom.
I was happy and excited to read the couples’ entry into my guest book:
“Wow, it was as good as the fantasies we’d been having about the day. So looking forward to “Feeling it”! Great fun, intimacy and daring too. What an inspiration for more. Thank you for making a special day very, very special…”
Next week around this time I will be at Erotica, giving my workshop “How to shoot your lover”. I like to empower people to create their own erotic visuals rather than just to consume porn and copy what they see. I really look forward to the event. If you have time next weekend and feel like doing a workshop on erotic photography or filmmaking, come to Erotica at London Olympia and join in! The workshops are free (once you have paid your general admission) and I still have spaces for most sessions although Saturday is my busiest day so far. This is the first time I will not just visit a trade show to network but have my own little booth so it will be an interesting experience and a great opportunity to meet people. I have arranged to meet some people who recently filled in a casting questionnaire over a coffee – it is always exciting to meet potential new team members for the first time. At the moment I am flat out to organise all the logistics for the trip to London – there is a lot of stuff that needs to go up with me, so a man with a van is needed and loads of energy for another weekend of work but I am full of enthusiasm and know that with Violetta and Emilia there to support me we will have a great time.
Come and meet us to chat about the films or erotica for women: from the 23rd to the 25th November (Noon until 8pm) on our stand G20. I look forward to meeting you!
It is a golden late autumn day and I am basking in the afterglow of an amazing shoot.
We filmed last weekend for four days and it went really well! My focus was on a multinational cast, genuine big female orgasms and to promote safe sex in an erotic way. And against all odds such as delayed planes, ill health and lost props – we did it!
The filming is all finished and now I have to view 30 hours of material that with the help of my skilled editor Seren Black and some magic will become my third erotic film. After the shoot I have a feeling that this new film will be truly inspirational to many people and liberate people’s minds to a sensual play based on mutual respect and a shared sense of exploration. There was such a sense of freedom on the set – there was no room for censoring thoughts that so many of us still have occasionally in our mind when we make love.
The lead up to the shoot was stressful. This is the biggest production I have ever done: seven performers and five crew. Accommodation, locations, equipment, props had to be found, booked and bought and a film crew, runner and driver had to be organised. On the day before the shoot stated, after the third night without sleep and 5 hours of shopping for food and drinks for as all, my head was spinning. Because my brain was full with a million things, my short term memory went of the window. I managed to lock myself out of my flat and had to call a locksmith to get back in. By the time I got into my home to pack all the outfits and props for the big shoot, I was a nervous wreck.
I had planned the shoot so that we all could have dinner on Friday night, the evening before the shoot but as back luck had it there were train delays and the poor girls that flew in from Berlin arrived with a six hour delay at 2 am. It was such a shame that we did not have a relaxed evening of valuable down time before we all took off the next day.
But somehow the whole team still gelled by the time we stated shooting on Saturday afternoon. It was a huge experiment to have 8 people living and playing together under one roof with the cameras rolling. Everybody did extremely well and that has been so far the most blissful experience of this new production: the feeling of family, the spirit of us all wanting to be there, not for the money (what money?) but the love of it. Doing something about which we all feel it is new, different, refreshing a creative and emotional challenge. Mia, one of the performers told me that she thinks I am doing a mini revolution in the porn industry and she wanted to be part of it. What a lovely and encouraging compliment. We all shared the revolutionary spirit – every single person involved rose to the challenge and worked their buts off whilst enjoying themselves big time. I was the queen bee, responsible for even the tiniest decision but supported by a great team that voiced many ideas and most importantly allowed themselves to let go and experience ecstasy without shame or fear or guilt. It was a pleasure to capture three huge female orgasms on camera.
I have been thinking for a while now about a title for the new film and I think it will be “Feeling it!” because the performers did allow themselves to let go and genuinely feel it and there was no faking it involved true to my motto; “Feeling it, not faking it!”
I am grateful for such a great shoot even though I am slightly worried about my finances. The various necessary bills for the weekend alone came to three and a half thousand and of course that is money I handed out. I have had no money coming in for a while now as I am focusing on this film and as it is my project for now it is me paying rather than being paid. I just have to hold my breath a little bit longer to pay for the edit, music rights, licensing and duplication and then eventually hopefully people will buy the film and I will be able to balance the red with some black figures.
I want to take this opportunity to thank again the people who supported me: the amazing performers (you will see and hear more from them), the technical team and the companies who generously donated special toys for us to play with: N-joy, P-vibe and Fun Factory. And of course a big thank you to my partner for supporting me even when I am stressed and a right bitch and for putting up with the fact that we never ever have weekends off but always seem to work. There is a saying that behind every strong man is a strong woman. How lucky am I to have a strong man behind me?!
Today we did a photo shoot at the Tiergarten which is a huge Park in Berlin and a famous gay cruising ground. Thanks to Laura and her posse bi and lesbian women cruise here as well once a month on a Wednesday after sunset under the Amazon statue. It did not take long before the clothes came off and the girls got playful even though it was a cold autumn eve. We had a lot of fun during the shoot and surprisingly even the nuns walking past did not seem to mind our antics. I think that if we had done that shoot at Hyde park we would have been arrested. All power to Laura to arrange another opportunity for women to be independent and take the freedom to go and cruise if they feel like a quickie in the park with another Amazon.
After the shoot in the Tiergarten, I did some portraits of Laura at home featuring the amazing satin velvet pussy sculptures that a fellow erotic artist created for Laura’s shop. I will interview Laura for FORUM so that she can talk about her life-long mission to liberate women sexually to an UK audience.
In the evening we went to a screening of Female Fantasies in the Kant cinema. It was a special night that I will never forget. It was the final screening of the festival and I thank the organisers of the porn film fest for giving me and us this honour. It was such a buzz to watch the cinema fill up on a Sunday eve and then view our film on the big screen! I had not seen it in a while and many of the scenes brought a smile to my face. There was such a happy vibe with lots of laughter and applause from the audience. I would like to thank everyone who came and made this such a special screening for us. Your interest and support means more to us than big fat pay cheques and awards (although it would be nice to get both of these too!). After the screening Mia and I went to the closing party which was suitably alternative-arty in the LUX Club in Berlin. I wish I could have stayed and danced all night but I had to get up early for the filming with RTL. So I decided to be grown up and get home by 4 a.m., leaving (unfortunately) just as it got interesting and various stark naked hunky men got onto the dance floor.